Your Empty Stocking

Christmas morning was filled with sleepy eyes and excitement for my two boys. The first thing we always open are the stockings. Each boy get theirs and immediately dumps it out. Then after it is thoroughly combed through, my 5 year old, Jaxson, proceeds to hand out the remaining stockings hanging on the wall. 

 

Mom 

Dad

Sasha the dog 

And then Brantley’s stocking. 

 

It is empty. I used to buy small toys and trinkets to take to the cemetery. But as the year have gone by it hurt more and more each year to by headstone decorations for my baby. So I just slowly stopped. This year, Jaxson noticed.

 

Jaxson – “Mom Santa didn’t bring anything for Brantley.”

Me, trying to say happily – “Brantley got his Christmas gift in Heaven.”

Jaxson – “Oh yea, that’s right because he died.” 

 

After 7 years, I still have moments that grief physically pains me. Looking at your empty stocking this Christmas morning, I felt like a knife was in my heart all over again. I was saddened you were not here, I felt guilty for not putting something in you stocking, I was emotional that your brother who never got to meet you still includes you in Christmas. Brantley should have been here with us to empty his stocking filled with toys and treats. But instead his stocking hung empty on the hook.

 

And just like that, what was a happy holiday memory quickly became a painful moment. This happens far too often on special occasions for my family and I. When you lose a child, you don’t just lose them once. You lose them again and again with every moment or milestone they miss. You lose what they could have been, what they should have been. And every time an occasion passes without Brantley, it feels like I have lost him all over again. Sometimes it passes with a small tear in my eye and other times it is so painful it takes my breath away. 

 

I don’t know if I can bring myself to fill you stocking next year. But I do know that no matter how much it hurts me, I will always hang your stocking.